Posts
Prostate - Milking vs Orgasm
8 years ago
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Duck camp
Four guys have been going to the same duck camp for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down andtells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind meand put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles androse petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
So, Here I am.
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down andtells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind meand put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles androse petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
So, Here I am.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Misogynist humor (I apologize in advance)
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Wha t are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by90%...It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, andstill think they are sexy.
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Wha t are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by90%...It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, andstill think they are sexy.
Pickup line
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,
'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?'
'What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.
'The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,
'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,
'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?'
'What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.
'The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,
'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Deaf sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. I f you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. I f you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Another classic II
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....... that was me.'
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....... that was me.'
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Westminster Bridge London
The mayor of London had decreed that Westminster Bridge will be closed in the early afternoon on sunny days. This is because a strange phenomenon happens when sunlight passes through the balustrade of the bridge, forming a small army of...well...see for yourself.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Negative people
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable...
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome ! So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome ! So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Best Quote of the recession so far:
"THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE.
I'VE LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE."
I'VE LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE."
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Legs or breasts
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC anymore.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC anymore.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Random blonde joke
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Ah the Irish
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him. Mick says 'how you doin?' Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.
They say 'get away with ya ... Prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fukin' one?'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.
They say 'get away with ya ... Prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fukin' one?'
Thursday, September 10, 2009
COURAGE?
What is the meaning of courage?
Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it standing up to a bully you know is going to kick your ass?
Is it to fly a fighter in combat?Is it to practice free falling parachuting?
Is it to insult your boss?
Is it asking a lady to dance you know will say ..'NO'...?
Is it getting on a football field weighing 150lb's and everyone else weighs 300..?
Is it losing your first 'love'..?
Bullshit.........those are nothing!
THIS IS COURAGE!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Mailman
One Monday morning the mailman is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the mailman comments.
Dave, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The mailman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Dave says, 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The mailman laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Dave responds. 'Your name came up seven times.'
'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the mailman comments.
Dave, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The mailman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Dave says, 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The mailman laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Dave responds. 'Your name came up seven times.'
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Gift.....
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each otheron an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? 'The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you evereaten pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on oneoccasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much apart of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you everfallen to the temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remainedsilent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'
The priest then asked, 'Have you evereaten pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on oneoccasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much apart of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you everfallen to the temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remainedsilent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Yep
Two good ol' boys in a Killeen trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold watermelon after getting off of work at their local asbestos plant.
After a while, Skeeter said to his buddy, Skooter, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off coon huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
Skooter crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."
After a while, Skeeter said to his buddy, Skooter, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off coon huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
Skooter crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Did you ever wonder?
I'm just passing this thought along .....
Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a trippers butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Question
Now there is a question you do not get too often...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the doorand opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust...
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks thesame question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again..
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have a vagina?'....... 'Yes' she says......
The man replies 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the doorand opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust...
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks thesame question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again..
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have a vagina?'....... 'Yes' she says......
The man replies 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
Friday, July 24, 2009
GPS and PMS
Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
Answer:
A crazy bitch who will find you!
A crazy bitch who will find you!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Literal Frank
Frank and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Frank headed home frustrated.
The following week when Frank's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Frank. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Frank?" "I didn't have to," Frank replied. "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the old lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'... so here I am!"
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Exclusive - Advanced copy obtained from reliable source
Stevie Wonder's Eulogy For Michael Jackson:
....... .. … … .. ….. .. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … .. ... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. . .. . . … .. . . . .. ... . .... ... .... .... ... ...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... .... . .. . . . .. . .. . ... ....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... .... . .. .. . .. .... .. . . . . . .. .. … .. .. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Monday, June 22, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
U.S.M.C. Dining Etiquette
The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old'Field Marine.' He loved his Marines and often slipped into the messhall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it.
He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this way, hewas assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlistedman received..
And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be 'unfitin quality or quantity').
Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great dealof 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform.
Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold'C-rats' around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines.
But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to doit to the best of his ability.
During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marinesfrom 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets inWashington , D.C. , home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed toassume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around theballroom where the festivities were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-hairedlady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offeringconfections to the guests.
When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculpturesall around the room, she was moved with admiration.
She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait .
She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him andasked, 'Would you like pastry young man?' The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat thatshit, Ma'am. " Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.'
His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.
The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyeswidened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that sheimmediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice sheasked, " W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm ofa mousetrap smacking it's wooden base).
Then he said, '" I don't eat that shit, Ma'am." And just as smartly asbefore, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.
This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately becameincensed and felt insulted.
After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offersomething nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life),and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER!
She exclaimed, " Well! I never...!"
The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of allthese 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room.
He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cupfull of bourbon in his left hand.
He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants, so blue hairedlady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.
" General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and doyou know what he told me? "
General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth andsaid, " Well, no Ma'am, I don't."
The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequatelyexpressing with her body language her considerable rage andindignation.
As she wagge d her head in cadence with her words, and she pausedbetween each word for effect, 'She said, "I - don't - eat - that - shit- Ma'am!''
The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of themchoked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having theirsmirks detected.
The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't oneof MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of thelieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.
" That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General, " thewoman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to looksick and put a hand on the wall for support.
General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkledbrow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to oneindicating he had made a decision.
He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, " Well, fuck him!Don't give him any."
He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this way, hewas assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlistedman received..
And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be 'unfitin quality or quantity').
Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great dealof 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform.
Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold'C-rats' around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines.
But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to doit to the best of his ability.
During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marinesfrom 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets inWashington , D.C. , home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed toassume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around theballroom where the festivities were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-hairedlady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offeringconfections to the guests.
When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculpturesall around the room, she was moved with admiration.
She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait .
She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him andasked, 'Would you like pastry young man?' The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat thatshit, Ma'am. " Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.'
His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.
The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyeswidened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that sheimmediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice sheasked, " W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm ofa mousetrap smacking it's wooden base).
Then he said, '" I don't eat that shit, Ma'am." And just as smartly asbefore, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.
This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately becameincensed and felt insulted.
After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offersomething nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life),and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER!
She exclaimed, " Well! I never...!"
The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of allthese 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room.
He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cupfull of bourbon in his left hand.
He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants, so blue hairedlady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.
" General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and doyou know what he told me? "
General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth andsaid, " Well, no Ma'am, I don't."
The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequatelyexpressing with her body language her considerable rage andindignation.
As she wagge d her head in cadence with her words, and she pausedbetween each word for effect, 'She said, "I - don't - eat - that - shit- Ma'am!''
The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of themchoked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having theirsmirks detected.
The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't oneof MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of thelieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.
" That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General, " thewoman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to looksick and put a hand on the wall for support.
General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkledbrow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to oneindicating he had made a decision.
He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, " Well, fuck him!Don't give him any."
Monday, June 1, 2009
The best house ever.
The Coolest House in the Neighborhood (And Maybe the Galaxy) -- powered by Cracked.com
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Another early start to St. Patty's Day
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him. Mick says 'how you doin?' Paddy says 'do us a favour, nip upstairs and get my slippers, me feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dads sent me up here to shag the both of you ' .
They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back ~~ 'of course both of em, what's the point of fookin one?’
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dads sent me up here to shag the both of you ' .
They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back ~~ 'of course both of em, what's the point of fookin one?’
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Elder sex
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment then, looking over his glasses, casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment then, looking over his glasses, casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity o n her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity o n her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Gallant passenger
During a commercial airline flight a man was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.
The fellow pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the guy responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The guy sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed......
"And all these years I've been CHEWING GUM!!”
The fellow pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the guy responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The guy sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed......
"And all these years I've been CHEWING GUM!!”
Friday, March 27, 2009
Constipation cure
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"
If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"
If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.
Redneck word of the day : "OBAMA"
I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF !
(You just gotta love a redneck)
(You just gotta love a redneck)
Friday, March 20, 2009
A bold woman
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?", she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer.'
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?", she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer.'
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Happy St. Patty's Day
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Banking and the global crisis
If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
And don't you just know that when these two banks merge,it would still be full of Bloody Wankers.
And don't you just know that when these two banks merge,it would still be full of Bloody Wankers.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
The Lone Ranger's last request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and capturedby an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is broughtbefore the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns witha beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tentand spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse","But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappearsover the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chiefis again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents,""But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says...
Listen Very Carefully !!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ... "BRING POSSE"
Monday, March 2, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Full disclosure - Its the law
The law says you must give full disclosure of any problems with a house when you sell it.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
FEMALE COMPASSION
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked? The fellow said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked? The fellow said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Gennaro's leather shoes
Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day And passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window To admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price Of the shoes, $300,and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community Holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and As they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, And after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over And the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face Turns red. He states,'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
Every Friday night the Italian community Holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and As they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, And after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over And the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face Turns red. He states,'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Nuptial observations
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... Nash You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... Nash You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Always remember
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ...
you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down .
That's when you remember:
You've been listening to your ipod.
you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down .
That's when you remember:
You've been listening to your ipod.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Discovery
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Discuss with your wife
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, you've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did .... better in fact! But thething is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day."So", says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have", says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?" asks the doctor.
"Yes, she has", says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting new countertops."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, you've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did .... better in fact! But thething is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day."So", says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have", says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?" asks the doctor.
"Yes, she has", says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting new countertops."
Thursday, January 22, 2009
School assignment
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Lowe's and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we ha d, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Lowe's.From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Lowe's and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we ha d, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Lowe's.From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Cheeseburger
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $500.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'
Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?
''Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am".
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands real good cause I want a cheeseburger.
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $500.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'
Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?
''Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am".
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands real good cause I want a cheeseburger.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Patriotism
Every once in a while you see a simple
act of patriotism
that just fills your heart
with so much pride that
you get lumps in your throat.
act of patriotism
that just fills your heart
with so much pride that
you get lumps in your throat.
Friday, January 2, 2009
A nun walked into a Hooters...
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would go off and the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue in there of a man wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender pointed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and The Whole place stopped and gave the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
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