Mmmm



I look at this picture and I feel happy.



A Frustrated Wife

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.



"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
 Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...

Expensive dinner

So I scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne .

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said "enjoy"...

Predicting a cold winter

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
 The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
 The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

Guido? OK....Guido it is.

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"


She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."


Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.


The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"


Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."


Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.


Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"


Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

Forgive and forget

I guess that my ex is over the bitterness of our divorce, he offered to put up the Christmas lights for me.

Heard on air traffic control

STL approach: "United 143 best forward speed to the marker, you are number one."



United 143 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall.



"STL approach: "American 245, you're number two behind a 737, follow him, cleared visual, at your best forward speed."



American 245 (female): "Well, I can't do balls to the wall, but I can go wide open."


-Radio silence-


Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"

A story

A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees...



The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.



The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.



The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.



After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.



The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own country?



After much woodpeckering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

His and Her diary entries

HER DIARY:



Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We’d made plans to meet at a bar and have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, and I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.



Our conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he remained quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing was wrong. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too.” When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent.


Finally, I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep—I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.



My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:


I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

WHO WAS IT THAT SAID THE SCOTTISH ARE TIGHT WITH THEIR MONEY?

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

An instant spark

I met a beautiful woman in the park the other evening...



There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.


As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself,


''These tasers are well worth the money...''

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.



Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.



After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.



True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion "



"Is that you, Bob?"



"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."



"That's wonderful! What's it like?"



"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.


I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.



Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.


Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"


"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"


"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona .

The Girl Lodger

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.



"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.



The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.


After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:


"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."



So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"



"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"



"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.



The girl finished her bath and went to bed.



Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"



"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."



"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."



"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

You Can't Win with Women.

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife.


She was delighted.


I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.
I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.


I spent $50 on a BJ for myself and she goes fucking ballistic.


Women!!

Racist horse

Emotional psychology

A couple were watching a TV program about psychology, and which explained the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".


He turned to her and said, "Honey, this is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that would make me both happy and sad at the same time.”


"I certainly can, my Sweetie . . . . . .


Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Dog Sitter

A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and "in heat" agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog whilst they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was
drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.


Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.


Having explained the problem to him, the vet said."hang up the phone and place
it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".


"Do you think that will work?" she asked.


"It just worked for me" he replied.

Dear Abby

Relaxation

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Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it; everybody knows about this but me."

Curly

Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.


'Fred,' he replies.


'Fred what?' the officer asks.


'Just Fred,' the man responds.


The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.


The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.


When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.


Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.


Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.


Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.


Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as FredJohnson with VD.


Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

Homemade implants

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.


Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins,the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.


Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

CNN Headline Fail

Japanese Hotel Service . . .

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan . . .


Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.


'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'


Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.


Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'.


'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'


The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.


With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Top 60

Another classic

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently,


'Are you still good in bed???'


The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell didn't I?

Real Cowboy

Comletely honest first date

A real woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.



She will never stand him up and never let him down.


She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.


She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.


She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.


She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible……..


No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of beer.


That's what beer does...


Never mind....

Statistics

OK movie fans - what movie does this remind you of?

2010 Darwin Awards

Eighth Place



In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place


A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff.


Sixth Place


While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at the hospital.


Fifth Place


Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.


Fourth Place


Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place


After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.


Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.


Honorable Mention


Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.


Runner Up


Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.


and the Winner is....


Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say that ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.


The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...shit happens.


IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

Another test

Clean hair

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.


After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.


The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"


The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

Where you should pee flowchart

Wasted talent

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.


"What are you doing?" he says.


"I going to commit suicide," she says.


"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blowjob."


So, she does.


After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?".


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Test

Kite flying

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.


I tried this a few more times with no success.


All the while, Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.


She opens the window and yelled to me,'You need a piece of tail.'


I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

Classic vulgar joke of the day

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.


"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and a Lieutenant Commander in Naval Air, but when they retired the Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."


The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?


The seedy LtCdr staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.


The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.


It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, "I wrote it myself."


The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."


He then excused himself and lurched to the john.


When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"


"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".

Yeah, right. That's really funny.

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.



"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.


“For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.


"You already know how to play golf "

Physician's assistant

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out ol' doc had hired a couple of Physicians Assistants. Mine was a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

I was embarrassed to be handled by her, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional...



I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."


So I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."

Up and down sex

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.  Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.


The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day...

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown

More misogyny

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.



Doctor: "What happened?"


Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my lousy, piece of crap husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."


Doctor: "I have the perfect medicine for that" he said. "When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."


Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! It worked!....Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and sure enough he didn't touch me!"


Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

The facts of life

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Ohhh, sorry the correct answer is...

So, I lost the pub trivia contest last night by 1 point.


The last question was:

"Where do women have the curliest hair?"

.........apparently the correct answer is " Fiji "

Meaning of Life

News flash

CNN just reported that BP engineers have removed the oil well cap and replaced it with a wedding ring. As expected, the well immediately stopped putting out.

Impetus for action

Just a tip

I don't always drink...

Lowest prices in town.

Provided as a public service

Super Sexy CPR from Super Sexy CPR on Vimeo.

Trophy wife

Vegas

A man is in Las Vegas and losing his ass. He cannot win anything, and before he knows it, he has absolutely no money left. The only thing he does have is his plane ticket home, but he has no way to the airport.


He walks out of the casino and sees a solitary cab with the cabby leaning against it. He walks over and asks the driver if there’s any way he could just take him to the airport. He swears that he will wire the cabby the money the moment he gets home, but the cabby is a total dick.

“You know how many fucking losers I deal with everyday that give me that bullshit story? Fuck you ya piece of shit. Get away from me before I call the cops”, the shithead cabby says.

Well, the guy walks half way to the airport, finally thumbs a ride, and gets home.

He has an outstanding year in business and makes a killing in the market.

Almost a year to the day, he goes back to the same casino where he previously lost his ass, but this time he kills. He cannot lose. Blackjack, slots, you name it, and he's kickin’ it’s ass.

When it’s finally time to go, he walks out of the casino and sees a line of about 5 cabs. As he looks down the row, he sees that same asshole that gave him such a hard time the previous year, leaning against his cab at the end of the cab line.

He goes up to the nearest cabby and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabby says $10.

The guy says, “OK. How about I give you an extra $2 and you suck my cock?”

The cabby nearly hits him, and tells him to get the hell out of there before he calls the cops.

So the guy goes to the next cab and the next cab, and so on, asking the same thing, “How much for a ride to the airport…how about I give you an extra $2 to suck my dick?”, and each time he gets told to go away.

Finally, the guy comes to the shithead cab driver from last year, and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”, to which the cabby says $10.

So without another word, the guy hops in the cab.

As the cab is pulling past the other cab drivers, the guy holds up 2 $1 bills against the side window, smiles and gives the other cab drivers the thumbs up.

Hello!

I only knew 4 or 5 of the songs.

An open letter to Jesse James

Dear Jesse James:



You stupid bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How dumb are you? You're married to one of the most beautiful women in the world, with a body to die for, whose current and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah (who even Steadman admits isn’t attractive). But your wife (who recently beat out Julia Roberts as “America's Sweetheart”) just won an Oscar, which translates to even more money per picture in the future. Yet you shack up with some tattooed former stripper freak. You are really a piece of work. You are now the most hated man on the planet! While California is a no-fault state, meaning you might get away with taking half your wife’s wealth, if you did, you'd be even more despised, especially after Sandra’s Oscar speech when she did nothing but praise you. I only have one thing to say to a despicable cheating piece of crap like you: Thank you for taking the heat off me! Let's do lunch and compare notes.

Signed,
Tiger Woods

Women and cleaning

My new Playstation

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How video stores should classify movies

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Works for me.

Oh no! A slut spill!

VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill

Wonderful World

How did I miss this one? It looks Awesome!

This dude has a foul mouth, but he makes some good points

In case you were wondering

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Doctor visit

Temperature rising at winter olympics

How to prpare a kiwi

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Objectivization of women joke

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

GGWS

St. Patricks Day is a ways off, but here's a preview post.

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.



His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."


Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"


The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'