When you're seventy

When I turned 70++...I thought my life was over but then I discovered how great it is.

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,  when you're seventy...............who cares?


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I went to the drug store and told told the assistant "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady assistant :  "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "Nah... She's pretty good  lookin'....."

When you're seventy...............who cares?

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I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.  She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?

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I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?

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I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you're seventy...............who cares?

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I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.  I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?  ??

Canadian joke

A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Newfie fisherman driving home down a back road.

She said, ''You're under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.''


''Tits!'' replied the Newfie.

Today's classic.

5,000 MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX....

 

   1%  LIKED THE WARMTH.

   2%  LIKED THE SENSATION.

 

   3%   LIKED THE EROTICISM.

 

94% JUST   LIKED THE PEACE & QUIET.

Halloween story answers age old question

Went out last night for Halloween dressed as a chicken

Met a girl dressed as an egg. 

                 

A lifelong question was answered. 

                 

It was the chicken.

Pragmatic waitress

The Rock shocked

Two woodpeckers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

 

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the
tree with no problem.

 

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking
a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was
able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to
peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.