Always remember

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ...

you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down .

That's when you remember:

You've been listening to your ipod.

Discovery

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.

Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.

Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.

Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.

Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.

Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.

Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Discuss with your wife

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, you've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did .... better in fact! But thething is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day."So", says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have", says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?" asks the doctor.
"Yes, she has", says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting new countertops."

School assignment

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Lowe's and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we ha d, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Lowe's.From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

Cheeseburger

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'
Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?

''Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am".

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands real good cause I want a cheeseburger.

Patriotism

Every once in a while you see a simple
act of patriotism
that just fills your heart
with so much pride that
you get lumps in your throat.

Christmas present for men

A nun walked into a Hooters...

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would go off and the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue in there of a man wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender pointed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and The Whole place stopped and gave the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"