Elder sex

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment then, looking over his glasses, casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity o n her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Gallant passenger

During a commercial airline flight a man was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The fellow pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the guy responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The guy sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed......

"And all these years I've been CHEWING GUM!!”

Constipation cure

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"

If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.

Redneck word of the day : "OBAMA"

I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF !
(You just gotta love a redneck)

A bold woman

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?", she asked.

He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer.'

Hey now!

Happy St. Patty's Day

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

Banking and the global crisis

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And don't you just know that when these two banks merge,it would still be full of Bloody Wankers.

A rare talent

The Lone Ranger's last request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and capturedby an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is broughtbefore the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns witha beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tentand spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse","But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappearsover the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chiefis again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents,""But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says...

Listen Very Carefully !!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ... "BRING POSSE"

Very diplomatic