Dog Sitter

A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and "in heat" agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog whilst they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was
drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.


Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.


Having explained the problem to him, the vet said."hang up the phone and place
it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".


"Do you think that will work?" she asked.


"It just worked for me" he replied.

Dear Abby

Relaxation

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Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it; everybody knows about this but me."

Curly

Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.


'Fred,' he replies.


'Fred what?' the officer asks.


'Just Fred,' the man responds.


The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.


The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.


When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.


Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.


Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.


Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.


Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as FredJohnson with VD.


Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

Homemade implants

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.


Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins,the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.


Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

CNN Headline Fail

Japanese Hotel Service . . .

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan . . .


Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.


'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'


Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.


Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'.


'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'


The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.


With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.