Mmmm



I look at this picture and I feel happy.



A Frustrated Wife

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.



"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
 Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...

Expensive dinner

So I scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne .

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said "enjoy"...

Predicting a cold winter

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
 The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
 The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

Guido? OK....Guido it is.

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"


She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."


Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.


The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"


Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."


Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.


Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"


Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

Forgive and forget

I guess that my ex is over the bitterness of our divorce, he offered to put up the Christmas lights for me.

Heard on air traffic control

STL approach: "United 143 best forward speed to the marker, you are number one."



United 143 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall.



"STL approach: "American 245, you're number two behind a 737, follow him, cleared visual, at your best forward speed."



American 245 (female): "Well, I can't do balls to the wall, but I can go wide open."


-Radio silence-


Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"

A story

A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees...



The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.



The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.



The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.



After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.



The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own country?



After much woodpeckering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

His and Her diary entries

HER DIARY:



Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We’d made plans to meet at a bar and have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, and I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.



Our conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he remained quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing was wrong. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too.” When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent.


Finally, I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep—I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.



My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:


I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

WHO WAS IT THAT SAID THE SCOTTISH ARE TIGHT WITH THEIR MONEY?

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

An instant spark

I met a beautiful woman in the park the other evening...



There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.


As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself,


''These tasers are well worth the money...''