Roy decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Roy that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Roy felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.
Roy looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'
Sandy and Roy got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Roy whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Roy's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Roy ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'
'Yes, it is ... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.
My wife and I were at home watching TV.
I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said:
For God's sakes, leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish.
A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog, while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me" he replied.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym
C. A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
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