Italian bread

Two old guys, one 80 (Cledus Krawiec) and one 87 (Cleetus Kelly), were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

"She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

British commercial

The healing power of alcohol

Jewish divorce

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff!

All he wants is sex, sex and more sex, my vagina is now the size of A 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

Depression

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.


But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought Fuck it, I think I can tough it out!

Easier than sit-ups

Click image to enlarge.

A male fairy tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess Will you marry me? The Princess said NO And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and fucked skinny big titted broads and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate pussies and ass fucked cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fuckin cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up ..... The end.

One lovely Saturday morning

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

Man Laws Update

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Megan Fox starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden...however complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the cherries.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy, Chewy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for Her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, limegreen, orange, or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an PlayStation3. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics...ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your Wife squarely on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion.



The International Council of Man Laws.