Heartwarmi​ng little story...

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door..
It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

Police call

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they
fucked my wife after only five beers!”

Good Question

Dear Dr. Phil,

I was watching from my bedroom window while my neighbor's wife was sunbathing nude.

As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded .... watching me.

Is she a pervert?

Do you love tofu?

 Yeah, I love tofu too.

Mystery solved

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

What did I say?

Joe woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen, where his wife was already fixing breakfast.

He looked to see what she was cooking, and saw one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She said "I'm doing exactly what you asked me to do last night when  you came to bed, very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, he walked away thinking to himself … 
 
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Yet another classic

Just like in the movies

My wife says to me the other night "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?"

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face. 

She was pissed!

Turns out we don't watch the same movies. . . .