Rx

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that would 'help' me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

Drunk vs. High

FOUND ON A SEABEE MESSAGE BOARD

~
Pee on a Crucifix, you're an "Artist."

Pee on The American Flag, you're a "Constitutionalist."

Pee on a Police Car, you're a "Freedom Lovin' 99 Percenter."

Pee on a Taliban piece of shit that just tried to kill you and your fellow Marines, you're a "Villain."

Sure is a fucked-up administration we have running this great country!!
~

Marrying a nympho

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The great problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves….

But the fucking maniac stays on.

One hour

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex.

The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill.

But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours.

In a panic, he phoned the doctor. ‘What should I do?’ he asked. ‘I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home.’ ‘I see,’ said the doctor. ‘It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?’

‘But I don't need Viagra with the maid.’

The art of capitalization

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capitalization.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse." 

Is everyone clear on that?

TSA agent gets lucky

Click image to enlarge

How to piss off your girlfriend