Roses for the lady.

Pretty girls in the summertime

Congrats

MIscellaneous vulgarities

This real arsehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a fucking tap underneath, taste it."

 

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

 

I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

 

I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

 

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?*
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
And here is the reason for my conclusion.......
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Aspirations

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Lil' Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:

And you, Tanya?

"I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bitch!

Sex in the morning

Waking up to sex in the morning is one of life's great pleasures....


...unless you're in prison.