But when I do....

Naughty or nice?

Caution

Be careful what you purchase on eBay and make sure to check out the seller carefully.

A friend just spent $100 on a penis enlarger and the Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said….

"Do not use in the sunlight."

Several quickies

Some A-hole looked at my beer belly in the pub last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave, and got your hair cut, you'd look pretty good."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

***

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "

***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."

***

I got caught taking a leak in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

Standards

My old girlfriend

 I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said,"I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to fuck off.

I think her cameraman hates her

How to change #1 to #2