A wise man answers

Woman asks:

If I sleep with three men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with ten women, Every one calls him a real man. How come ?!?

Confucius replies:

It's very simple. "When one lock can be opened by three different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open ten different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY ...."

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason

Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can put a silencer on a gun!

It's news to me.

Home Improvemen​t Project

A friend of mine just had some strobe lights fitted in his bedroom.

 

He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she's moving now!

One fine day

At The Bar in Herons Glen....

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my buddy, "That'll be us in ten years."

 

He said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead. "

Adopt a Terrorist

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence. 

She received back the following reply: 

National Defense Headquarters M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg.,15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa,ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen, 
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. 
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short. 
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. 
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint! 
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws. 
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends,neighbors or relatives about your house guest,as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. 
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property thereby having no rights,including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire. 
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter. 
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching. 
Good luck and God bless you. 
Cordially, 
Gordon O'Connor Minister of National Defense