I hate to play the race card but...

What is your job?

Someone once asked me, what is your job?"

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it?

Help a friend.

I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help.

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Can any of you help him?

Foster's Helpline

"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's yer problem?"

"I'm on a camping trip in the outback with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, so now her vagina has completely closed up !”

"Bummer mate"

"Good idea!!" Thanks mate!!"

Happy Valentine's Day

Jim Nabors comes out

That explains why Sgt. Carter was so mad at getting it in the face when he wanted to get it in the can.

The old sailor

An old retired sailor named Norman, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time sake.  He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'