Learning Arabic

The current Coalition Government wants us to learn more about Muslims and accept them into our culture. So, I'm making a sincere effort to learn to communicate with our Muslim friends and am learning Arabic for the sake of 'cultural diversity.'

This is my first attempt at it.....
 

On becoming an Irishman

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
 
"What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Frank."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad ?" his mother asked.  "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Frank."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?  Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.

"What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

The Fourth Marriage

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk. "What type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. "Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.  "You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we
were checking into our hotel.

"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately an never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

Fellatio survey

1000 men were surveyed on why they liked fellatio.


The results are as follows:


1% liked the warmth.

2% liked the sensation.

3% liked the eroticism.

94% just liked the peace and quiet.

Marketing

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." 

That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." 

That's Brand Recognition.

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. 

That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. 

That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" 

That's Facebook.

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's former President Bill Clinton.

* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America!

British Army

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You
must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of… "

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a motherfucker."