Haircut

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left but did not return that day.


A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left and again, did not return that day.


A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.


The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.


A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.


The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'


Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!

American Flags on the Moon

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Horrifying Moment

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High five

H

Vat to tell the Sunday school class

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,

"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" 

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" 

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" 

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. 

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there, across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"

Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and peed on by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is huge gay. 

7: When traveling together in a van or large SUV, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon another guy watching a sporting event, you may  ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink when you're  sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to  drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
17: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer  than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
18: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
19: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

20: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue..

21: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for  Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360. End of story.

22: There is no reason for guys to watch figure skating or Men's  Gymnastics. Ever.