Five Undeniable Facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing them.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

 

I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

Confidence

Classic of the week.

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

 "No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damn, thing’s an hour fast.”

And that, my friends…......is Confidence.

 

Peanut

One evening a man  was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

A former groupie gets married

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
 
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
 
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
 
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
 
"Tiger Woods."
 
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
 
"Yeah."
 
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
 
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
 
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
 
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
 
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
 
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
 
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
 
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
 
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
 
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
 
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
 
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
 
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
 
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
 
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
 
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
 
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
 
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what is par for this damn hole.

Same approach, different results

I was chatting with a lady friend and she said, "I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and

Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said...

What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Benz

Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:

Business Man: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!

Helpful Indian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

 An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a  nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

 When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."