An open letter to Jesse James

Dear Jesse James:



You stupid bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How dumb are you? You're married to one of the most beautiful women in the world, with a body to die for, whose current and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah (who even Steadman admits isn’t attractive). But your wife (who recently beat out Julia Roberts as “America's Sweetheart”) just won an Oscar, which translates to even more money per picture in the future. Yet you shack up with some tattooed former stripper freak. You are really a piece of work. You are now the most hated man on the planet! While California is a no-fault state, meaning you might get away with taking half your wife’s wealth, if you did, you'd be even more despised, especially after Sandra’s Oscar speech when she did nothing but praise you. I only have one thing to say to a despicable cheating piece of crap like you: Thank you for taking the heat off me! Let's do lunch and compare notes.

Signed,
Tiger Woods