Looking at the wrong bush

Ahem.

Rock, Scissors, Paper and...

Twilight

Stare

Being a man

Click image to enlarge

Nymphomani​acs...

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The great problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves….

But the fucking maniac stays on.

Sex With Teacher

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mother asks how his day was.  He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh, my god!  You get to your room!  Wait till your father comes home!" says his mom.
A while later the father comes home and the mother says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him.  He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.  "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright!  That's my boy," says dad.  "Ya know, son, women just don't think like men.  But I'm proud of you.  What are you now, about thirteen, right?  Wow.  That's my boy!  Ya know what?  I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town.  "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replies, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

A Lovely Christmas Story

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The man from Scotland reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's.'

And so the Christmas Season begins......

Three on the range

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.

Simon, the hand from Nebraska says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Bobby, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested . . . "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn’t even get a belly ache."

Old Steve, the cowboy from Florida, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

Interesting info about this year's Groundhog Day

In the coming New Year (2012) both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog .

Occupy

Click image to enlarge.

A SHORT BEDTIME STORY...

THE END!

The Final Theory

This is a deceptively simple chart that I have been working on for years. And finally, I believe I have refined it down to its essence.  I know that you’ll appreciate its simplicity and accuracy.

Divine Democrat Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
 generation, says that; "When you discover that you are riding a dead  horse,best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
 1. Buying a stronger whip.
 2. Changing riders.
 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
 6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
 7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
 8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
 9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
 10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would  improve the dead horse's performance.
 11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less  costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more  to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
 12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
 And of course....
 13 Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

IRISH Humour

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. 

After 3 hours of involvement, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed, by the looks of it!"


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!" 

Fear in California!

In the wake of Bin Laden's death, radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23

NAG, NAG, NAG...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him  about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in  the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay  of execution after all.  Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU  EVER STOP?!' 

Clint Eastwood's Birthday



It was Clint Eastwood’s birthday last week

and to celebrate a few of his friends got together and

organised a sky writerto put a message above the

Hollywood sign.I don’t think it worked out the

way they wanted it to   …

History of the Condom

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

May I have this dance?

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK with in marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing."

Triumph visits OWS

Deductive reasoning

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome,...

And sex with 2 people is a twosome,...

Now...

I understand why they call you handsome.

Letter to Dr. Phil

Dear Dr. Phil,

I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.

As I was pleasuring myself I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded ... watching me.

Is she a pervert?

YOUNG GUNFIGHTER FROM THE OLD WEST

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.  "Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player.  "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.  "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

Golf Membership Applicatio​n

An elderly Scottish Jew decided to slow down and take up golf, so he applied for membership at the local club.
After a week he received a message that his application has been rejected.  He went to the club to inquire why.
Secretary:  You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot:  Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, MacTavish.
Secretary:  This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt.
Scot:  Aye, so do I.
Secretary:  You are aware that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot:  Aye, neither do I.
Secretary:  But you are a Jew?
Scot:  Aye, I be that.
Secretary:  So you are circumcised?
Scot:  Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot:  Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.  But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

Health & Safety Test

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today. One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

PMS and GPS

Question:  What do you get when one crosses PMS with GPS?

Answer:  A really-really mean bitch who can can find you quickly no matter where you are!

If men wrote advice columns

Click on picture to enlarge.

Purportedly true

I can neither confirm or deny...

In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes..

She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn. Her mail is addressed:
                  Linda Lykes
                 The Cock Inn
                 ERBUM
                 Tillet, Herts.  
The Postie still laughs with every delivery.

Heartwarmi​ng little story...

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door..
It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

Police call

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they
fucked my wife after only five beers!”

Good Question

Dear Dr. Phil,

I was watching from my bedroom window while my neighbor's wife was sunbathing nude.

As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded .... watching me.

Is she a pervert?

Do you love tofu?

 Yeah, I love tofu too.

Mystery solved

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

What did I say?

Joe woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen, where his wife was already fixing breakfast.

He looked to see what she was cooking, and saw one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She said "I'm doing exactly what you asked me to do last night when  you came to bed, very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, he walked away thinking to himself … 
 
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Yet another classic

Just like in the movies

My wife says to me the other night "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?"

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face. 

She was pissed!

Turns out we don't watch the same movies. . . .

Dear Dr. Ruth

THEY CALL IT BRIDGE

A Cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment she replied, ‘Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.’

They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’

Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’ And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’ I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’.

Another lady was talking about protecting her honour. And, two ladies were talking and one said, ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’ Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!’

The secret to a really good "Bacon Burger"

Bedtime story

Yet another classic

A woman goes to her doctor and says that she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she is embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says. "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she has had this operation done herself."

"So who is the third rose from?" asked the woman.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Rude taxi driver

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Vancouver.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

Sensitive husband

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, could he see a picture of his wife. 

The guy says 'Sure' and shows him a picture of his wife. 

The deputy says, 'I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.' 

The guy says, 'I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.'

GOTTA LOVE THIS COP

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. 

The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! 

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the police officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for..

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" 

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir." 

"Aggressive and hostile?" 

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

The parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look! It's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days.


Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"

Old Chinese proverb

Confucius say,


"If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the.....

Biology Exam

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently Blacks and Mexicans were not the correct answers.

Updated saying

Once it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.

Wife

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." 

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. "

Talented!

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear!

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my who-who?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the who-who blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder quim can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the snatch winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.  Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

Fish food

Yeah, it's Friday

Getting home safe. . .

A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving.

I went out with some friends and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.

I took the bus home.

I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have NEVER DRIVEN a bus before.

Great golf advice from an Irish caddy

A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies: "Aye, there's a piece of shit on the end of your driver."

The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end."

Dinner date



A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "Would you care for dessert?"



Italian bread

Two old guys, one 80 (Cledus Krawiec) and one 87 (Cleetus Kelly), were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

"She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

British commercial

The healing power of alcohol

Jewish divorce

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff!

All he wants is sex, sex and more sex, my vagina is now the size of A 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

Depression

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.


But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought Fuck it, I think I can tough it out!

Easier than sit-ups

Click image to enlarge.

A male fairy tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess Will you marry me? The Princess said NO And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and fucked skinny big titted broads and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate pussies and ass fucked cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fuckin cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up ..... The end.

One lovely Saturday morning

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

Man Laws Update

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Megan Fox starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden...however complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the cherries.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy, Chewy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for Her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, limegreen, orange, or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an PlayStation3. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics...ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your Wife squarely on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion.



The International Council of Man Laws.

Prostate Exam...Thai Style... ..

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Golf course navigation

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.


Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.''Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
 'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

Harrier fly over

A rare photographic opportunity of the Royal Navy's Harrier jump jet fleet just prior to demobilization as part of the present UK's defence budget cuts.



A picture of the last Harrier fly by over the Houses of Parliament.


You have squint a bit to see what the 'boys' are trying to say!

History trivia

Did you know the saying "God willing and the Creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington. In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.



Historical Trivia


In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)


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As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.. ' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.


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In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'


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Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'


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Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.


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Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades..' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'


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Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'


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At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.


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One more: bet you didn't know this!


In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

The naked cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts..... So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy. '

'And here I am.'

Bad decision

Like every good bad decision you make in Thailand, it usually begins with $5 buckets of alcohol on the beach and ends with transsexual prostitutes. The only decision you could make worse than the previous is getting said good bad decision tattooed on your leg.



At least your body hair adds to the realism of the gentle(wo)man’s legs in your tattoo.

Click image to enlarge.

The logical scientist

Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.



Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.


Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.


Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!


The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.


Pat: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?


Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.


Pat: - Oh! What's that then?


Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?


Pat: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!


Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?


Pat: - It's in a pond!


Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.


Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!


Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?


Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!


Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?


Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.


Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?


Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!


Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?


Pat: - Me? Never.


Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!


Pat: - How's that then?


Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!


Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!


Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.


Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?


Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!


Eric: - What's that then?


Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?


Eric: - Nope.


Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker.