Looking at the wrong bush

Ahem.

Rock, Scissors, Paper and...

Twilight

Stare

Being a man

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Nymphomani​acs...

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The great problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves….

But the fucking maniac stays on.

Sex With Teacher

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mother asks how his day was.  He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh, my god!  You get to your room!  Wait till your father comes home!" says his mom.
A while later the father comes home and the mother says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him.  He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.  "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright!  That's my boy," says dad.  "Ya know, son, women just don't think like men.  But I'm proud of you.  What are you now, about thirteen, right?  Wow.  That's my boy!  Ya know what?  I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town.  "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replies, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

A Lovely Christmas Story

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The man from Scotland reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's.'

And so the Christmas Season begins......

Three on the range

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.

Simon, the hand from Nebraska says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Bobby, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested . . . "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn’t even get a belly ache."

Old Steve, the cowboy from Florida, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

Interesting info about this year's Groundhog Day

In the coming New Year (2012) both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog .

Occupy

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A SHORT BEDTIME STORY...

THE END!

The Final Theory

This is a deceptively simple chart that I have been working on for years. And finally, I believe I have refined it down to its essence.  I know that you’ll appreciate its simplicity and accuracy.

Divine Democrat Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
 generation, says that; "When you discover that you are riding a dead  horse,best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
 1. Buying a stronger whip.
 2. Changing riders.
 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
 6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
 7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
 8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
 9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
 10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would  improve the dead horse's performance.
 11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less  costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more  to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
 12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
 And of course....
 13 Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.