Goose Hunting

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

 

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to...

 

and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.

 

Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of DA buckshot."

 

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole?

 

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena. "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

 

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in DA Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.

 

She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

The Pill

The wife told me to go to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

Can you help me?

I'm looking for a place to live . . .

Riding the bus

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

 

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on,
Eat it all up or ... I'll have To give it to this nice man here."

 

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
So she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

 

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind!

 

I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Irishman

I was having a drink in a bar and stuck up a conversation with an Irish guy.  He said, "Tell me laddie if ya woke up in the marnin' and there were grass stains on your knees and a condom hangin' out you butt, would you tell anyone?"

Thinking WTF? I said, "Probably not."

"Would ya like ta go campin' with me laddie?"

A great life lesson.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just makes one want to cry.

The marriage counselor

A couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.
The counselor sits them down and says "Let's start by talking about what you
both have in common."
The husband says, "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick."

New twist on a classic

Why it's important to frame a photo properly