ICU

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep and steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

Kind of like the NFL

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is Scottish humour at its best.

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership

soccer

 games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.

 

An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (It was probably Glasgow Rangers):

 

"That will be ten quid, mate".

 

"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"

 

The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

Female medical exam

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No!

Don't remove your clothes...........just stick out your tongue!"

Dentures

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the nuts."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."