A winter holiday classic

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was sent to me and it's very well written and I hope that you enjoy it too

Shit It's Cold!

The End

Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother.

Santa wrote back:

'Send me your mother...'

Ladies and gentlemen - the new Bruce Lee

Who couldn't use one?

Handbag help

Checking in

As I was checking into a hotel recently, I said to the female front desk clerk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Your Christmas present

My dear friends,
Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.

Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:

* Soft and Hygienic

* Non-slip grip strips on the soles

* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh

* No more bending over to mop up spills

* Disposable and biodegradable

* Environmentally safe

* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

How Men can Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend2. a companion3. a lover4. a brother5. a father 6. a master7. a chef8. an electrician9. a carpenter10. a plumber11. a mechanic12. a decorator13. a stylist14. a sexologist15. a gynecologist16. a psychologist17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist19. a healer20. a good listener21. an organizer22. a good father23. very clean24. sympathetic25. athletic26. warm27. attentive28. gallant29. intelligent30. funny31. creative32. tender33. strong34. understanding35. tolerant36. prudent37. ambitious38. capable39. courageous40. Determined! 41. true42. dependable43. passionate 44. compassionate
W ITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly46. love shopping47. be honest48. be very rich49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VER Y IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:* birthdays* anniversaries * arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked 2. Bring Alcohol

Long vid, but I'm a big 007 fan

US Air Force C-130

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

Things you can only say at Thanksgiving!

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Best catch ever by a non-Gator

The need to be clear.

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, 'is that one word or two?'

Read a book

For those of you having trouble getting into rap and hip-hop perhaps this little ditty with a positive message will help.

Guilty

Drunk pumpkin

New study

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Woodpecker lesson learned

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely fucker is reading blogs...
- You hang in there sunshine!

Why airplanes have pillows

Disappointment

The call

You live and learn.

During a commercial airline flight an Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true Navy fashion exclaimed.... 'And all these years I've been chewing gum.'

Oh nooo

I love cupcakes.

Who works here?

Mainstream media

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Motivate THIS!

I'm sensing a bit of a back door theme here...

Durr

Insert your own comment here.

Annual physical

My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.

I went this morning...

OMG, She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy!

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

In horror, I asked her why.

She said, "Because I am trying to examine you...".

Do not mount the exhibits

The winner

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

Last year's term was ' Political Correctness '. The winner wrote:
'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'

"I can't see the resemblance...."

In light of the current economic condition the Treas. has issued a newly designed dollar bill.

Deep water Blondes

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'.
So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.
'So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, 'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.'

Redneck trailer dragster

Hmmm. Seems a bit much. I guess I'm easily amused.

FEMALE COMPASSION....????

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no Legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

No one saw anything wrong with this ad? Really?

Best deal in Vegas

Count me in!

Fastest Guitarist

World Guitar Speed Record - Watch more free videos

I think she works out.

A moment of clarity

Cajun Negotiation

Boudreaux wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.One day Boudreaux got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you...' The girl looked at him, then said, 'NO.'

Boudreaux said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Just say YES

Click on image below for a larger more readable version.

Sex in the shower

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm, 'Brut', the people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this, in the sky......

Just go back in the house, pour another cup of coffee, and stay there. It probably isn't going to be a good day.

And she didn't even smudge her lipstick.

On Easter this ex-cheerleaderwas watching a road that lead to a NATO military base when she observed a man digging by the road. She engaged the target..she shot him. Turned out he was a bomb maker for the Taliban and was burying an IED that was to be detonated when a US patrol walked by 30 minutes later. It would have certainly killed and wounded several soldiers.

The interesting fact of this story is the shot was measured at 725 yards. She shot him as he was bent over burying the bomb. The shot struck him in the butt blowing into the bomb which detonated. He was blown to pieces.
The Air Force made a motivational poster of her.

Golf outing

Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh....'

Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids'.

Then I thought..........

SHIT -- I could win this thing!!!

Mother nature

The Douchiest Phone Message In History

http://view.break.com/527579 - Watch more free videos

The Bindi

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a bindi. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a corner shop, a sub post office, a minicab company, or a restaurant in Southall. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephone enquiries from Barclays Bank customers.

Just thought you would like to know.

Two nuns

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts."Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

Wife is dead?

An old guy went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think my wife is dead!"

The doctor exclaimed, "What do you mean you think your wife is dead?! Either she is or she isn't! I don't understand."

The old guy said, "Well, the sex is the same but the laundry's piling up."

Eat it

I'm not sure who this woman is...

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But she claims she knows you.

Sempe Fi again

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up aconversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?'

' 2002, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 2002! She took his han and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against hisbare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 2002.

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

Brilliant advertisement

Spread em

7 Kinds of Sex (a classic)

Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone , and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner fo! r too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'fuck you.'

The 5 th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is w! hen you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and fucks you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

Handling stress

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

Piss on it and walk away.

Household hint

Assume the position

Finally a woman who gets it.

We be Delta

Patriotism

MAKES YOU FEEL PROUD TO SEE A MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TOSALUTE WHEN THE FLAG PASSES BY OR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED!

Crunching the numbers

I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.

After 5 years of marriage, he pays her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

Eliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?

But... Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees. Is it just me, or is Kristen a WAY better deal?

Just wondering

A man in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.