Goose Hunting

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

 

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to...

 

and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.

 

Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of DA buckshot."

 

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole?

 

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena. "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

 

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in DA Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.

 

She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

The Pill

The wife told me to go to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

Can you help me?

I'm looking for a place to live . . .

Riding the bus

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

 

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on,
Eat it all up or ... I'll have To give it to this nice man here."

 

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
So she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

 

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind!

 

I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Irishman

I was having a drink in a bar and stuck up a conversation with an Irish guy.  He said, "Tell me laddie if ya woke up in the marnin' and there were grass stains on your knees and a condom hangin' out you butt, would you tell anyone?"

Thinking WTF? I said, "Probably not."

"Would ya like ta go campin' with me laddie?"

A great life lesson.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just makes one want to cry.

The marriage counselor

A couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.
The counselor sits them down and says "Let's start by talking about what you
both have in common."
The husband says, "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick."

New twist on a classic

Why it's important to frame a photo properly

But when I do....

Naughty or nice?

Caution

Be careful what you purchase on eBay and make sure to check out the seller carefully.

A friend just spent $100 on a penis enlarger and the Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said….

"Do not use in the sunlight."

Several quickies

Some A-hole looked at my beer belly in the pub last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave, and got your hair cut, you'd look pretty good."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

***

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "

***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."

***

I got caught taking a leak in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

Standards

My old girlfriend

 I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said,"I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to fuck off.

I think her cameraman hates her

How to change #1 to #2

Roses for the lady.

Pretty girls in the summertime

Congrats

MIscellaneous vulgarities

This real arsehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a fucking tap underneath, taste it."

 

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

 

I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

 

I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

 

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?*
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
And here is the reason for my conclusion.......
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Aspirations

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Lil' Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:

And you, Tanya?

"I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bitch!

Sex in the morning

Waking up to sex in the morning is one of life's great pleasures....


...unless you're in prison.

Churchill and Obama

Another new word

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

Exhaustipated:

Just too tired to give a shit.

That other list

On the passing of Neil Armstrong

What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and...

Michael Jackson molested children.

Liberals

Click image to enlarge.

Vulgar downspout

Click pic to enlarge.

Another new word

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
 
Exhaustipated:  

Just too tired to give a shit.

Honest first date

Typical Scottish baby

An Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Dunbarton baby boy.."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?"  "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Innis & Gunn ale, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says....

"Had him circumcised."

The Argument

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

Goodbye note

The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!!

Gone to stay with my Mother"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........

What the hell is she talking about?

Seen by Millions

Clarification

Funny, that's my favorite joke too!

I wish I knew Flathead

Click to enlarge.

Different ways to prove that you're a real man.

Safe sex tip of the day

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. 

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot in the head by the woman's husband. 

Pass this safety information on to all your buddies!

You are correct.



Brevity is the soul of wit.

Health warning

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Keeping it real

First one home wins

The new bull

Old man Billy Bob goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull.

A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?"

Billy Bob says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them."

The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian."

 A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our bull doing now?"

Billy Bob says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows."

The banker says, "Wow! What did the Vet give him?"

Billy Bob says, "He gave him some pills."

The banker says, "What kind of pills?" Billy Bob says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint."

Alien retaliation

The eyes have it

Click image to enlarge

Buy that life insurance to protect the little lady.

The cremated husband  Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him... "You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,  "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,  "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Well, here it comes."

In the pub

Walked into a pub   last night; there were two large girls drinking at the bar.
I noticed they had   strange accents so I said to them: “Hi. Are you girls from Scotland?”

One of them then screamed at me, “It’s Wales you idiot… Wales!!

So I immediately apologized and said, “Are you two whales from Scotland?”

And that’s when the trouble started...

Sounds like my St. Patty's Day

Hard to argue this logic.

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it’d be nice to have another baby".

You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts".

Case closed.

A classic as retold by my Brit buddy.

A group  of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a  field trip to Goodwood races to see and learn about  thoroughbred  horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the  girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned  to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys  came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal..

Having no choice, she  went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting  the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away  from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying  not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year  four.'

"No, love,"he  replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

Taxi

An Arab Gets into a taxi.

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio.

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “Watt are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get the fuck out and wait for a camel.”

The prostate exam

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from whatyou are probably used to.

I want you to lie on yourright side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,'99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great",now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breathand say,'99".

Again, the old guysays, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,

"One...

two…

three…"

More Fluke kerfuffle.

The Dos Equis man on the Fluke kerfuffle