Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline … what's the problem, cobbler?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate!"

"Thanks, mate ...I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

Immigrant sex

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 

Hey, how much you charge for an hour, sister?"  He asks.

"100,"  She replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" She says.

"I pay you 200 to do immigrant style."

"No," She says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you 300."

"No," She says. 

"I pay you 400."

"No," She says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay 1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something
Perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY FELLOW TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!

Thank God I'm a country boy!

I hate double standards

Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt Fuck-Master Pro5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticized anus and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert!

Homesick Snowbird

I was in a coastal town in Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."
So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope this helps ."

Just wondering

Michael Douglas claimed recently that he caught his throat cancer two years ago by giving his wife oral sex. This outrageous statement begs two questions:

is this a sound medical diagnosis; or,

is Michael Douglas the latest Democrat to blame everything on Bush?

Driving behind the garbage truck

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windshield.

To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!"

To which her 7 year old says, " I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big." 

Freudian slip for dummies

Click pic to enlarge.

Radical Muslim rampage rumor

Rumors are circulating in California that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is white and born in the U.S.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

The importance of eye makeup