Good news first

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says:  “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically:  “Well done, very good news indeed!  You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers:  “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary”.

The kite

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.


She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'


I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

Promotion

A love story for golfers

 

A couple w​ere having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you.  Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Beth said,"The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said,
"I can forgive you for that.  You saved our home,
but what about the second time?" Charles said.

"And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?  Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," says Chuck.  "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said.  "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Five Undeniable Facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing them.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

 

I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

Confidence

Classic of the week.

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

 "No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damn, thing’s an hour fast.”

And that, my friends…......is Confidence.

 

Peanut

One evening a man  was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

A former groupie gets married

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
 
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
 
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
 
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
 
"Tiger Woods."
 
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
 
"Yeah."
 
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
 
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
 
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
 
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
 
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
 
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
 
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
 
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
 
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
 
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
 
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
 
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
 
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
 
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
 
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
 
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
 
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
 
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what is par for this damn hole.

Same approach, different results

I was chatting with a lady friend and she said, "I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and

Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said...

What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Benz

Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:

Business Man: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!

Helpful Indian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

 An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a  nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

 When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Peppermint

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .....

....... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

Murphy's hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?

Murphy said, I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.

The priest said, Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynns hat.  What changed your mind? Murphy replied, Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all.

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?

Murphy slowly shook his head. No, Father, after ya talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery I remembered where I left me hat.

Baby K'Tan

Shave and a shoeshine

A fellow sat on the barber's chair "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber (using a straight razor by the way) began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful real breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The Texan said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The Texan said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him; you're closer.

Too much sex

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties
while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to
his buddy: "Man you look tired."

His buddy says: "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I
have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

An older fellow, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:  "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."

Prostate exam

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,'99' The old guy obeys and says, "99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says, '99'." The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One...two…three…"

One tough cowpoke

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...

Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."


Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."


Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker...

Aplomb

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

 

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

 

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

 

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

 

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

 

"Aplomb," My Lord.

 

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

 

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

 

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

 

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

 

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

 

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."

 

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

 

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

 

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

 

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

 

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

 

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

 

THAT is "aplomb."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Helpful labeling

Meeting with the bigwigs

One day the directors of a large finance company were called into the chairman’s office until only the newest, most junior executive was left sitting nervously outside. Finally, it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors seated solemnly around a table.


The chairman turned to the young man and asked, “Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?” 


“No, certainly not.”


“Are you absolutely sure?” persisted the chairman.


“Absolutely, I’ve never laid a finger on her.”


“You’d swear to that on a stack of bibles?”


“Yes, I swear I’ve never had a sexual relationship with your secretary.”

“Good. Then you fire her.”

Haircut

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left but did not return that day.


A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left and again, did not return that day.


A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.


The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.


A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.


The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'


Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!

American Flags on the Moon

Click image to enlarge

Horrifying Moment

Click image to enlarge.

High five

H

Vat to tell the Sunday school class

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,

"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" 

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" 

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" 

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. 

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there, across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"

Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and peed on by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is huge gay. 

7: When traveling together in a van or large SUV, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon another guy watching a sporting event, you may  ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink when you're  sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to  drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
17: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer  than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
18: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
19: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

20: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue..

21: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for  Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360. End of story.

22: There is no reason for guys to watch figure skating or Men's  Gymnastics. Ever.

Logical and legal

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I think I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "Okay. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept the marks you've given me. However, you'll have to agree that if you can't give me the correct answer you'll change my grade to an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, all right. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

All afternoon the professor continues to wrack his brain over the question but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical,
logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. The professor asks his favourite student to answer.

"Well, it's quite easy, sir," says the student.

"You see, you are 75-years-old and married to a 30-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 22-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal.

And your wife's lover failed his exam, but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal nor logical."

Learning Arabic

The current Coalition Government wants us to learn more about Muslims and accept them into our culture. So, I'm making a sincere effort to learn to communicate with our Muslim friends and am learning Arabic for the sake of 'cultural diversity.'

This is my first attempt at it.....
 

On becoming an Irishman

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
 
"What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Frank."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad ?" his mother asked.  "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Frank."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?  Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.

"What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

The Fourth Marriage

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk. "What type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. "Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.  "You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we
were checking into our hotel.

"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately an never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

Fellatio survey

1000 men were surveyed on why they liked fellatio.


The results are as follows:


1% liked the warmth.

2% liked the sensation.

3% liked the eroticism.

94% just liked the peace and quiet.

Marketing

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." 

That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." 

That's Brand Recognition.

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. 

That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. 

That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" 

That's Facebook.

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's former President Bill Clinton.

* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America!

British Army

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You
must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of… "

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a motherfucker."

Deep thinkers

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Building Permit

I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighborhood. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it bog green with pink trim.


The City Council told me; “Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”


So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.


Work starts on Monday. I love this country. It’s the government that scares the crap out of me.

Irish Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is much smarter than any cop because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense! 

Irish cop says, "License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says, "Ye didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says, "Ye still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please, sir." London Lawyer says, "What's the bloody difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, the sign says stop, not slow down, so, ye havte come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair enough, please exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Now, ye English arsehole, do ye want me to stop, completely, or just fookin slow down?

Similarities

WHEN YOU ARE DEAD, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU ARE DEAD - ONLY THE PEOPLE LOOKING AT YOU KNOW.

IT IS THE SAME WHEN YOU ARE STUPID.

Problems with texting

I am so sorry Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.  I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.  In fact, I’m on it more than you.  I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.  I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

 

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

 

A few moments later, a second text came in:

 

Damn autocorrect.  I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Wisonsin Milk Cow

The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk.  The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin , for $2,000.00. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful.  It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.  They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.  However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.  The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.  An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.  "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin .."

A hole behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

Overheard in a bar.

I couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

An old guy sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"

Well That Explains It!

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.  "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ....

She never got your E-mail!"

Olympic history trivia

I am a history buff and I found it fascinating to learn how the word
Olympics had evolved over 2,500 years.

Until recently, I didn't know this...

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ..

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.  To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"OH!! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into "Olympics."

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.

10 speed bike

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. 

 There's no way we can afford it.' 

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' 

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. 


Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.


And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no fucking bike.

Plane seat I'll never get.