Sunglasses

A VERY SAD STORY!

We grow up with such great hopes and dreams.

We face life’s challenges every day and we try to look everyone right in the eye - to instill our sincerity in those we meet and converse with eye contact.

 

And in return we expect the same courtesy.

These are the reasons why this is such a sad story because  this poor thing .......

 

 

SHE WILL NEVER, EXPERIENCE EYE CONTACT,
. . . . .NEVER.

 

 

ICU

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep and steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

Kind of like the NFL

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is Scottish humour at its best.

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership

soccer

 games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.

 

An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (It was probably Glasgow Rangers):

 

"That will be ten quid, mate".

 

"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"

 

The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

Female medical exam

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No!

Don't remove your clothes...........just stick out your tongue!"

Dentures

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the nuts."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Market research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But,in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

Help a friend?

A classic

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more,

for old times sake and some hot sex. He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

Irish nuns

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.  "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

Like the sun

Double Standard

When a girl gets a vibrator, it's viewed as a bit of naughty fun. BUT when a guy orders a 240-Volt Sunbeam Fuck Master Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, with huge breasts with pink nipples; he's called a pervert!

Remembrances

Click image to enlarge.

Not just vulgar, but offensive too

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.  I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.  She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

* Went to our local bar with my wife last night.  Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50.  It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".  The operator says, "How do you know?"  The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .  I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

* I was approached by a lady who asked me to buy a raffle ticket for an African orphan.  I said hell no, with my luck I’d win one!

Password security

Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.
Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?
 No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.
Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?
 Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
 No, you must get a new one.
I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
 Sorry, you must get a new one.
OK, roses
 Sorry you must use more letters.

OK, pretty roses
 No good, you must use at least one numerical space.

OK, 1 pretty rose
 Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

OK, 1prettyrose
 Sorry, you must use additional spaces.

OK, 1fuckingprettyrose
 Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose
 Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose
 Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

OK,  1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow
 Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used.

Chortle

Click on image to enlarge.

Parrot on a plane

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. As the aircraft takes off , a pretty flight attendant (FA) walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate.

 

'Hey, bitch', says the parrot, 'bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!'

 

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: 'God damn it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!'

 

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

 

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. 'Hey, slut, ' says the man, 'get me a dry martini and don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! '

 

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

 

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

 

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, ‘Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls.'

Serious beer drinking

You didn't know?

Porn Sex vs Real Sex

Active Retirement

It's very important to stay active during retirement.

DOROTHY & EDNA

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy:  "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.  I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna:  "Well,  I'll tell you.  He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!  Then he takes me downstairs.  And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.  Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

 

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. ... Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy:  "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't  go?"

Edna:  "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Welcome To The 21st Century

*Our Phones ~ Wireless

*Cooking ~ Fireless

*Cars ~ Keyless

*Food ~ Fatless

*Tires ~ Tubeless

*Dress ~ Sleeveless

*Youth ~ Jobless

*Leaders ~ Shameless

*Relationships ~ Meaningless

*Attitude ~ Careless

*Wives ~ Fearless

*Babies ~ Fatherless

*Feelings ~ Heartless

*Education ~ Valueless

*Children ~ Mannerless

In fact we are ~ Speechless

Our Congress is CLUELESS!!

Our President is WORTHLESS!!

Pricey dinner

A while back, I picked up a lovely woman at her parent's home for a date.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.

Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

It's horses....horses.

List

Is Romance Dead?

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. 

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: 

 

I'm on the toilet. Please advise. 

 

Kinda brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it??

Confucius say...

Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account.

You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland...A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline … what's the problem, cobbler?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate!"

"Thanks, mate ...I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

Immigrant sex

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 

Hey, how much you charge for an hour, sister?"  He asks.

"100,"  She replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" She says.

"I pay you 200 to do immigrant style."

"No," She says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you 300."

"No," She says. 

"I pay you 400."

"No," She says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay 1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something
Perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY FELLOW TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!

Thank God I'm a country boy!

I hate double standards

Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt Fuck-Master Pro5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticized anus and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert!

Homesick Snowbird

I was in a coastal town in Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."
So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope this helps ."

Just wondering

Michael Douglas claimed recently that he caught his throat cancer two years ago by giving his wife oral sex. This outrageous statement begs two questions:

is this a sound medical diagnosis; or,

is Michael Douglas the latest Democrat to blame everything on Bush?

Driving behind the garbage truck

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windshield.

To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!"

To which her 7 year old says, " I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big." 

Freudian slip for dummies

Click pic to enlarge.

Radical Muslim rampage rumor

Rumors are circulating in California that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is white and born in the U.S.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

The importance of eye makeup

I think I've been to this bar..... many times.

At the bar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Congress too. What state do you represent?"

 

X-wing pilot visor



Happy 85th!

Two old guys are talking.  One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV". 

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

 

Honesty as a weakness

Click on image to enlarge.

Handling a Rude Receptionist

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

New butcher shop

Sage advice

NFL Update

The American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself with Indian Names.

The Washington Redskins will therefore change their name to the Washington Foreskins in honor of all the pricks in Washington DC, effective immediately.

Detroit library

Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked Latino prostitutes - all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

 

Local residents were stunned, as a community spokesman said:

"We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

It's taco cat!

Devolution

Photography for the whole family.

A wise philosoper once said...

Participating in a gun buy back because you believe that the criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you believe that the neighbors have too many kids

I hate to play the race card but...

What is your job?

Someone once asked me, what is your job?"

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it?

Help a friend.

I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help.

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Can any of you help him?

Foster's Helpline

"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's yer problem?"

"I'm on a camping trip in the outback with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, so now her vagina has completely closed up !”

"Bummer mate"

"Good idea!!" Thanks mate!!"

Happy Valentine's Day

Jim Nabors comes out

That explains why Sgt. Carter was so mad at getting it in the face when he wanted to get it in the can.

The old sailor

An old retired sailor named Norman, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time sake.  He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

A wise man answers

Woman asks:

If I sleep with three men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with ten women, Every one calls him a real man. How come ?!?

Confucius replies:

It's very simple. "When one lock can be opened by three different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open ten different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY ...."

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason

Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can put a silencer on a gun!

It's news to me.

Home Improvemen​t Project

A friend of mine just had some strobe lights fitted in his bedroom.

 

He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she's moving now!

One fine day

At The Bar in Herons Glen....

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my buddy, "That'll be us in ten years."

 

He said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead. "

Adopt a Terrorist

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence. 

She received back the following reply: 

National Defense Headquarters M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg.,15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa,ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen, 
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. 
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short. 
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. 
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint! 
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws. 
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends,neighbors or relatives about your house guest,as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. 
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property thereby having no rights,including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire. 
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter. 
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching. 
Good luck and God bless you. 
Cordially, 
Gordon O'Connor Minister of National Defense